Misused, abused apostrophes

There seems to be an epidemic of misused apostrophes lately. Blog posts, church bulletins, signs--they're everywhere! So here is a little reminder, all in good fun:

Apostrophes are maddening

and frankly, it’s quite saddening

to see misuse and harsh abuse

before my very eyes!

Punctuation is oppressive—

Did you know “its” is possessive?—

and contractions are distractions

that elicit anguished cries.

This may be quite depressin’

but you just might need this lesson

on when you ought to use (or not)

that little curvy mark.

So in the interest of prevention

(I don’t mean to cause contention)

I now will show what you should know,

not leave you in the dark.

If you want to show possession

it would be an indiscretion

to cause distress for little “s”

with no apostrophe.

But when you’re showing many,

in most cases, don’t use any.

For more than one (butts, days or suns)

just let those fellas be.

I hope you don’t feel queasy,

but contractions can be easy

if you just recall to write them all

apostrophes included.

Don’t fall into deception.

There are very few exceptions.

With Strunk and White, you’ll get it right.

My lesson’s now concluded.